The Over Analyst over analyzes
The Bachelor, Episode 1
Ben Flajnik. Can we just call him Flapjack? That’s what I see every time I read his last name, and then I start thinking about lumberjacks, and pancakes, and now I’m hungry, and want to go buy a lumberjack shirt because it’s trendy, but I digress. So Mr Flapjack is back. And I don’t know about you, BUT my wine loving heart is so happy to see this winemaker back on TV. We get to see ABC’s worst selection yet of bachelorettes’ options I guess doing this 17 times does not make you perfect. ABC’s procedure’s mentality: out with beauty in with the drama.
Now it’s time to judge, isn’t that what this show is is all about? I mean the producers have completely given up on the bachelor actually finding love. It’s all about fireworks, drama and hair pulling, but that’s what produces high ratings, not honesty and raw emotion. So let’s meet the ladies…
1. Rachel, who I’m going to call, girl who’s dress I loved, and in my opinion the best dressed of the night. An NY Fashion Sales Rep, she looked stunning in her red gown.
2. Erika is a law student from Chicago…and the verdict is …you’re an idiot, a law student and that was YOUR BEST LINE? fail.
3. Amber B, where the B stands for “baconator” I somehow would not be calling myself after a cheeseburger on a show where beauty and personality are key.
4. Elyse, the personal trainer- a bit intense… i think she thought this was MTV’s road rules…wrong show.
5. Jenna, Jessica Parker the blogger. Her blog is titled “the over analyst” which, by the way is currently under construction. LAME! She is also going to be remembered as the first woman to cry/lock herself in the bathroom. She has orange skin and hippie hair. Basically she’s a train wreck, and naturally Ben is keeping her, as we see in future episodes. She’s definitely going to add plenty of drama to this season. Hate her dress, or skirt/shirt thing she was wearing.
6. Courtney, the model. I’m going to call her VS, because she reminds me of Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio. See the resemblance? She’s also going to be the bitch of the group which will be mildly entertaining.
7. Emily aka the girl who stole the first kiss from Ben and has mad rapping skillz.
8. Samantha steps out of the limo with a sash on, promising Ben she’s much more than a pageant girl. Boring.
9. Casey S just doesn’t say a word, why??
10. Amber T, the girl wearing camo in her interview tape, who likes guns and considers fried cow balls to be a delicacy. Just no.
11. Holly is from Kentucky, but the only things we can remember about her is her big ass hat and her boobs.
12. Jamie is nurse, and has a legit sad story about raising her siblings. Can’t poke fun of that.
13. Shira was just plain annoying. She tries to impress Ben by saying she knows everything about wine, when the only she knows is how to drink it.
14. Blakeley is a VIP cocktail waitress, is that nice for saying she works a strip club/adult lounge?
15. Cheryl and Brittney, or the girl who brought her grandma with her, are the unlikely duo trying to win Ben’s heart with the cuteness factor, because come on, who doesn’t love grandmas??
And last but not least, the final 10…
16. Nicki, fits the stereotypical contender we see on this show now. A divorce who finally knows what she’s looking for in love and marriage. I’ll believe it when I see it.
17. Dianna. The girl who tried to be sexy by feeding Ben candy. AWK-WARD.
18. Jennifer uses her accounting skills to give Ben some crucial numbers, but 1 is the only number that matters, because that’s how many times she’s been in love and now is Ben’s chance to make that number 2.
19. Lyndsie, the London girl. ugh, I am glad she didn’t make it past the first rose ceremony, I just wasn’t feeling her at all.
20. Anna doesn’t even bother with a proper introduction, apparently gf’s shit don’t stink.
21. Monica, seems normal, until we see she has some major lady wood for Blakeley.
22. Jacyln. I can’t say I remember anything about this girl.
23. Shawn, another stereotypical contender. She has a son. I don’t think Ben is ready to be a daddy yet…
24. Kacie B says she is genuinely looking to find love. I almost believe her…
25. Lindzi C, is definitely one of my favorite ladies. She shows up on horse, and definitely pisses off the other ladies because they all wish they had thought of something that cool. Lindzi will now forever be remembered as the girl who got dumped with the most hilarious text ever: “Babe, welcome to Dumpsville. Population YOU.” and the girl to get the first impression rose.
So basically this first episode is pretty dry, we can only make hypotheses about which women will stay and go, but one thing we do know, is Monica is cray cray, putting her hands all over Blakeley, who by the way is 34, a little too old for Ben in my eyes. Monica, I think, had one too many glasses of champagne and decides to bully Jenna and make her cry. And Jenna was ugly crying all over the place, not cute.
After the first rose ceremony 18 girls are left. I’m dying to know who will get the first date. One things certain, this season will bring another first. An old fling of Ben’s come back declaring her love for Ben and the ladies are not having it. Grab your popcorn ladies and gentleman, these ladies will be anything but a fine wine, they all need to breath a little before they’re drinkable, er tolerable.
and there you have it. the ladies of the bachelor. what am i tuning into. i never used to watch reality shows like this. i blame you D
